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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Monday, January 26th, 2009|
|Monday, February 11th, 2008|
|Thursday, September 13th, 2007|
|long time no poop
I love corn. It has great taste and fantastic texture. It's one of my favorite foods.
I also like the way it triumphantly resurfaces a day later in a satisfying and colorfully rendered dump. :D
So I set about making the ultimate corn poopie. I sat down and ate two entire bags of green giant frozen corn (with butter sauce!). I mean, it wasn't still frozen when I ate it. I actually cooked it in the microwave. That was all I had for dinner. Then I waited for the magic to happen.
Well, the magic came almost twenty four hours later, right when I got home from work. I felt a helluva dump coming on, and I sat for a good, long fifteen minutes creating my masterwork (while reading the latest issue of Cosmo). It was a very satisfying, extended moment of spiritual oneness with myself and my bowels. Or bowel
. Is that supposed to be singular or plural?
Anyway, I stood up to behold the majesty, and to my astonishment there appeared to be an elongated ear of corn floating in the water
! I shit you not! It came out perfect. You can just imagine my excitement! It was better than I could have possibly imagined.
I grabbed my phone out of my pocket so I could take a picture that I would have to post in this journal. I steadied it in front of the magnificence and reached my thumb over to depress the "capture" button. I guess my hands were a little greasy or something, because the phone slipped out of my hand.
Into the toilet it went, with a disconcerting "plop."
|Thursday, February 2nd, 2006|
|Thursday, November 17th, 2005|
Two logs into the firebowl this morning. And they landed in the shape of a cross!
I shit you not. I just shit. Current Mood: like someone shat on my grave
|Wednesday, October 12th, 2005|
I was pretty nervous about the meeting at work today. My nerves were so frayed that my tummy started aching before I even left the house. I tried to take a quick dump before I left but I wasn't able to squeeze out much except for a couple small nuggets, and all that forceful pushing gave me a headache.
On my way in to work my stomach still felt unsettled. When I arrived I went straight to the bathroom. This time I managed to release something more substantial, and it was mostly liquid. I was making quite a bit of noise in there. Maybe I should cut out all the dairy in my diet.
Then, in the middle of the meeting, it became apparent that I wasn't going to make it to the end without excusing myself for one more go at the bowl. I put it off as long as I could, waiting for a discreet time to sneak out, but I was really prairie-dogging it so I just got up, announced, "Excuse me a minute," and left to handle my business.
I don't know if it was the fact that I shat three times in such a short period of time, the cheap office toilet paper, or a combination of both, but for the remainder of the meeting my ass was scratchy and uncomfortable. It made me irritable and impatient and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Once it was over I asked my boss if I could go home early because I wasn't feeling well. It was a shit day, in more ways than just one. Current Mood: Tired of dumping for one day
|Monday, September 12th, 2005|
|Can you believe this shit?
I messed up. Big time.
I was at work this morning and had to take a dump. No big surprise there, I know.
It was one of those dumps that never seems finished. You sit there for a while and then a little more squirts out, but you still feel like there's more coming. So you just sit there, waiting. After about ten minutes or so my legs actually started to fall asleep from my own weight pressing them against the cold, hard toilet seat. So I lifted them one at a time to get some blood flowing. First the right leg came up and I shook it a little. Pins and needles. Then I lifted my left leg, and my grip on the seat failed. I slipped, fell sideways and my left hand was plunged deep into the bowl all the way up to my elbow, staining my shirt sleeve with my own shit. The resulting splash left my pants pretty wet, too.
Fuck. Now what do I do.
It was almost lunch time, so after trying to dry my clothes as best I could with the blowers, I ran to my car and bolted home to change clothes. Luckily, no one saw me in my pathetic state. I can't believe that happened. Current Mood: Wary of taking a dump at work
|Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005|
Simon is in a bus station men's room and he has to take a dump. Now, I don't mean he's feeling rumblings in his stomach. I mean, he's got to go
. He really has to pinch a steamy loaf. The turtle is poking its head out and touching cloth. The corn is ready to ride the rocket.
He looks in the only stall and there isn't even a ring, just a bowl with no ring on top, but he has to squeeze a weasel so bad that he doesn't even care. So he's sitting on the bowl and he's making bears when he looks and sees there's no toilet paper. Who'd ever guess that a bus station bathroom with only one stall without a ring would have no paper? But it's too late, he's already laying cable. And he can't just suck it back in because it's already winding its way around the bowl.
He doesn't know what he's going to do, but then he looks at the side of the stall and sees a little hole. Above it reads, "Insert and finger will be cleaned by human lips.
" He says "Oh thank god!" and when he's done he wipes his ass with his finger, then sticks it in the hole.
A guy on the other side smashes
it with a hammer, and Simon yells, "OWWWWWWW!" yanks out his finger, sticks it in his mouth instinctively and says, "Mmmmm." Current Mood: Laughing
|Tuesday, July 26th, 2005|
such a thing as toilet etiquette. I don't understand why the person in the stall next to me this afternoon wouldn't do the decent thing and give me a courtesy flush after he pushed out a foul, brown watermelon. I mean, jesus, why do I want to suffocate on his
stinkbomb when I have my own to worry about. I made sure to be as noisy and foul as possible with my own sphincter, taking an extra long time to push out as many juicy butt nuggets as I could before he finally left. I was really hoping he would be out of toilet paper so I could re4fuse to give him any of mine. I would have just flushed and left without a word.
I should have shoved wads of toilet paper down the hole so it would flood the entire floor after I left. The guy was reading the paper in there. It would have been sweet to flood his stall while he was perusing the classifieds. Calling this guy an "asshole" seems too ironic.
anyway, it was a good dump in spite of my irritability. Current Mood: disgruntled pooper
|Monday, July 25th, 2005|
It was another big dump.
Monumental, in fact. A movement Beethoven
would have been proud of. Now that's
entertainment. Current Mood: Satisfied to the extreme
|Monday, July 4th, 2005|
The big mexican food dinner I had last night was planned really well, since this morning there was a giant fireworks display in my toilet. Man, did it burn. It was positively explosive
. Current Mood: Recovering from my dump
|Tuesday, June 28th, 2005|
|Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005|
|Yet another big dumparoo
I have shitted (shat?) three times in the past fourteen hours. I can't seem to stop. I hope I lose some weight while I'm at it. I've rubbed my ass raw with toilet paper, and now it's scratchy when I sit down. I like a good dump as much as the next guy, but this is getting ridiculous. I almost feel the urge to dump again
already. I guess I must have really opened the floodgates with dinner last night. My record is three dumps in one day, so we'll see if I can beat that. Current Mood: Still dumping
|Tuesday, June 21st, 2005|
|The Dump Side Of The Force
WOW. I ate so much food today that my bowels forced
me to the bathroom to dump. I barely had time to drop my pants before it was pushing its way out of my puckering sphincter. It was like I had completely filled myself up and the waste was pushing its way out the other end insistantly. When I was done I still felt full. I have a feeling I may have a middle-of-the-night dump ahead of me, too.
I shouldn't eat so much. Current Mood: Still full after my dump
|Friday, June 17th, 2005|
|Waiting for it
I actually went a couple days without taking a dump. I was getting a little worried, but the urge finally hit and when it dropped, it dropped HUGE. I was grunting and groaning for what seemed like forever and couldn't concentrate on my reading material. It felt like I was passing a grapefruit through my poor little colon, but when it finally made it out and I exhaled heavily it was as if a great weight had been lifted off my
bowels. I was quite satisfied with my big dump. Current Mood: Releived I finally dumped
|Tuesday, June 14th, 2005|
|Satisfaction at last
Thanks to Taco Bell, I "finished" my dump. I feel empty and relieved, though all this wiping makes my ass burn a little. I need some sort of cream to slather inside my cheeks. Current Mood: Done dumping
Today I had one of those dumps that seems unfinished, like I felt there was more coming but it never surfaced. I waited and waited, reading a Cosmo magazine for about twenty minutes while stewing in my own stench, but I couldn't produce any more. I even tried force-pushing, but that didn't work either. Hopefully I'll be able to dump again later, because now my whole day seems less than satisfactory. Current Mood: waiting for another dump
|Monday, June 13th, 2005|
Today my dump came out in one long...and I mean long
...turd. It was a stream I didn't think would end. And when I stood up to wipe I looked down at my dump and it rested in the bowl in a big "S" shape. It was like a big Superdump. It made me smile. Current Mood: Happy with my invincible dump
|Saturday, June 11th, 2005|
|Dump #1 for today
Today's dump had a pretty strong odor, and was kind of liquified, probably because I ate a handful of antacids earlier. Now my stomach aches. I think I'll eat some pizza and drink some milk so that I'll have to dump again later. Current Mood: Tummyache
|Friday, June 10th, 2005|
|Not a good dump
I didn't have a very good dump today. It wasn't very big or satisfying, and it hurt a little. There was a little blood on the toilet paper after I wiped. I don't know why. Hopefully I will have a better dump tomorrow. Current Mood: dissatisfied with my dump